Today marks one year since I arrived home from Zambia. I've been thinking a lot about it lately, so I thought I'd share some of my thoughts with you.
Deciding to leave Zambia was hard. Coming home was the hardest thing I've ever done. A year ago today I was feeling lost, knowing that I needed to come home but feeling like I'd let down everyone I knew by starting this big adventure and then ending it so soon. I decided I wanted to join the Peace Corps six years before I actually left, and it turns out six years of hopes and dreams and expectations are hard to let go of. I wondered how I had managed to think for so long that this was going to be exactly what I wanted to do, only to have it turn out to be something that made me pretty miserable.
A friend from my group made the decision to leave Zambia a few months after I did, and she shared a quote that has really stuck with me. "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." I think it's a nice concise way of explaining why I left. Even after all those years of preparation, conversations with RPCVs, discussions in Master's International about expectations, and extensive blog-reading, I found that being a PCV didn't serve me, grow me, or make me happy. And it's taken me a long time to believe it, but that is a good enough reason to leave.
When I came back I spent a few weeks at home, then moved down to southern Georgia. I was lucky enough to be offered a job at the Florida Department of Health a few months later, and I've been working there for about nine months now. I can honestly say I love my job. It's something different every day, I work with great people, and it gives me endless opportunities to educate people about public health and learn a lot of new things. Basically it's everything I never knew I needed. It's too early to know whether I'll want to do this kind of thing long term, but I feel like I learned a lot about myself in Zambia that really helps me clarify what I do and do not want to do with my life and I am so grateful for that.
The hardest thing for me now is explaining to new people that I meet why I left the Peace Corps. I'm afraid that sometimes they come to the conclusion that I left because I didn't like living without running water and electricity, or that they think I don't think the work PCVs do is valuable. I think when most people think of the Peace Corps, they think only about the first goal, which is to help the people of interested countries in meeting their need for trained men and women. They imagine it's about teaching English, empowering women and girls, and educating about HIV. And it absolutely is about all of those things. But that's only goal one of three. The other two goals are to help promote a better understanding of Americans on the part of the peoples served, and to help promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of Americans. I try to think of those conversations as a continuation of the third goal. Yes, I decided Peace Corps was not a good fit for me. But Zambia is an amazing country full of wonderful people, and I would love to go back someday. And the Peace Corps is a great organization with thousands of amazing volunteers doing great things. I'm lucky to have been one of them for a little while.
As I said a year ago, on to the next adventure!
